Wardrobe malfunctions, we have all been there. The wayward swimsuit top as you emerge from the surf, trying to look Marilyn-Monroe-hot. Or the gust of wind that lifts your skirt and shows the world your granny-style underpants. Or returning from the ladies room and the guy you fancy pointing out that your dress is tucked into the back of your knickers.
To most celebrities, the odd ‘nip-slip’, deliberate or not, is a good career move as it invites media attention. But for the rest of us, the extra attention is undesirable.
In a effort to be more fun than all those sugary-sweet fashion blogs which take themselves way too seriously, I will be revealing some of my most embarrassing vintage wardrobe moments. Because bad decisions make good stories. Don’t say I do nothing for you.
1. My underpants
My earliest memory of primary school is hanging upside-down on the monkey-bars and the other kids laughing at my terry-toweling, toilet-training underpants. Chance of later life therapy: 90%
2. Letting my boobs hang out for a REAL girls night out
Fast forward 15 years to the day a friend gave me the most perfect button-up vintage dress. Perfect except for a couple of missing buttons. I quickly sewed on some similar buttons and hit the town. It wasn’t until halfway through the night that I realized my new buttons were too small for the buttonholes and that my upstairs lady parts had forced open my dress. I spent the remainder of the evening checking that my girls were where they were supposed to be and wondering how many people had noticed. Good times.
3. Breastfeeding: When I show people my breasts in exchange for food
Once I attended a barbeque at a friend’s house while breastfeeding my first child. I wore one of my favourite vintage dresses; I was delighted that I could finally fit into it again. As my son began to cry for a feed, I suddenly realized my mistake; it was not a button-down dress. I was forced to find a private corner and lift the hem of my dress over my shoulder to access my leaking bosoms. Let me tell you how much I enjoyed this.
Oh yes, it gets worse.
By the time I had my third child I had the whole breastfeeding-button-down-dress-maneuver sorted. I have always thought that lactating women were impossibly beautiful so I was perhaps, a little too confident.
I was standing at another barbeque, breastfeeding my daughter while comfortably chatting with friends. I became so intensely absorbed in conversation with a friend’s husband that I failed to notice that my daughter had finished her feed, detached herself and fallen asleep, leaving one bosom on display. Still deep in debate over the science of global warming, I hadn’t noticed the crowd which had gathered to hear my insightful opinions. My friend’s husband politely gestured towards my sleeping baby. I really wish I could C+Alt+Del that moment.
4. Oh dear I seem to have left the house again without wearing underwear
I just adore those floaty, floral polyester beauties from the 1970’s. The fabric is usually lightweight and sheer, designed to be worn with a slip underneath. I have however, been known to rush out the door, forgetting to wear the slip. A stranger once kindly pointed out that she could see my polka-dot underpants. At least I remembered to wear knickers that day. Sorry I made you read that.
5. If you pick a wedgie and nobody sees you do it then it didn’t really happen
Dear guy who caught me with my hand down the back of my pants in the underground car park, thank-you for not making a big deal about it. Sorry for bruising your retinas.
Do you have your own wardrobe disaster story to share with us in the comments section? Seems only fair.
Now I’m off to photoshop some Hitler moustaches onto supermodels until I feel better.